Hanzel And Gretel
by SmileAtInsanity
Summary: This is a spin of the Hanzel and Gretle fairy tale. ALOT different, that makes it a parody. woo. i am smart. Main Characters: Dib, Zim and Gaz, GIR. o.o R/R....


Invader Zim is owned by Jhonen Vasquez. Not me. I do not even own the stinky cheeseman, though he is not in this story... or IS he? ::maniacally giggles:: Errmmm. Yeeeeesssss. Enjoy. BWAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAAAAAAA ::cough:: Excuse me. HAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAAAAAAAAAAAA. ::coughs agian:: ::walks off::  
  
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Prof. Membrane: Now, now, son, daughter, let us go into the woods. Dib, you need to get away from that Zim... character. And Gaz you should REALLY get away from that...game...thing.  
  
Gaz: ::scoffs:: Since when do you care?  
  
Prof. Membrane: Since i met that wonderful wonderful women. ::sighs a deep loving sigh::  
  
Dib: B-b-but... she all... mean... and old.  
  
Prof. Membrane: Yes, Yes, indeed she's OLD, but so is that kid... erm what's his name, agian, Dib?  
  
Dib: Old Kid?  
  
Prof. Membrane: Yes.... Old kid... ::Deep dazed sigh agian:: OOOOHHHH HONEYYYY I'm taking the kids out for a walk. ::Huge fatherly grin::  
  
Ms. Bitters: Very Well. TEACH THEM HOW TO SKIN A MOOSE.  
  
Prof. Membrane: Oh. ho ho hooo. I do belive young dibby here, already knows how to skin a MOOSE. Doncha Dib?  
  
Dib: Yea.... But...  
  
Prof Membrane: Y'SEE?! We'll be FINEE! See Yah later. ::waves::  
  
Ms.Bitters: Mmmhmmm. Did you pack the FILTHY children their FLITHY lunches?  
  
Prof. Membrane: Oh... Oh... YESSS. I do belive Gaz here has packed us a hearty lunch, anit that right smooky bear?  
  
Gaz: ::looks up from gameslave:: Huh? oh yeah... sure.  
  
Dib: I brought us some CHICKEN seed.  
  
Prof. Membrane: Why's that, my odd-headed son?  
  
Dib: Because i've heard rumors of paranormal activity in there with these birds that were gunned down and....  
  
Prof. Membrane: SHT SHT SHHHHHH, son. I've brought us some TOAST. We need not of your seeds. heh. :pats Dibs SKULL:: Theres a thoughtful fellow. Heh. Welp, we best get going.  
  
Ms. Bitter: Mmm. Well. Yeah. DOOM. DOOM. DOOM. have a HORRIBLE i mean WRETCHED i mean... LOVELY ::eye twitchs:: Time.  
  
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~~On A walk in the woods~~  
  
Dib: Here, chicky, chicky, chicky. ::drops some seed all over the ground::  
  
Gaz: Psh. Freak...  
  
Prof. Membrane: ::Deep breath:: Ah, isn't it LOVELY out here in the woods? I JUST LOOOOOVVVEEEEEE THE WOODS!  
  
Dib: Hey, um, Dad, Don't you have this T.V show to do? ::drops more seeds::  
  
Prof. Membrane: Oh no, I quit. ::wide grin:: We can be more like a FAMILY now. ::hugs Dib and Gaz close::  
  
Gaz: ::Grumbles::  
  
Dib: Yeaaahhh, heh.  
  
Prof. Membrane: Here's the spot we'll sit at. YEEP. ::HUGE grin:: ::gestures towards a few logs beside a fireplace:: Now, isn't this NICE?  
  
Gaz: ::sits:: Suits me.  
  
Dib: ::drops more seed:: YEAH! I think this the EXACT spot where the birds were killed and....  
  
Prof. Membrane: SAY, kids, wouldn't it be great to get a fire going?  
  
Gaz: What for? ::icesicle falls off tree::  
  
Prof. Membrane: ::goes off to get some wood::  
  
~~ An hour or Two Later ~~  
  
Dib: Hey, Gaz, Don't you think Dad should be back by now?  
  
Gaz: Shh. I'm on my last level. ::clicks more::  
  
Dib: I'M SERIOUS. He's been gone way too long.  
  
Gaz: ::eye twitchs:: You just made me get a gameover, Dib. NOW YOU MUST PAY. ::clenches fists::  
  
Dib: ::backs up:: ::runs threw a clearing of trees:: Oh My... GOD. GAZ! GAZ! LOOK! ITS A HOUSE MADE ENTIRLEY OUT OF PIZZA!! ::eyes get huge::  
  
Gaz: LISTEN, DIB. I am sick of your STUPID obbsessions with the paranormal, I'm sick of your STUPID invisable friends, and i am sick of your STUPID excuses!! ::pushes bushes aside without looking i bet there isn't even a house here... ::looks:: OH MY GOD. ::eyes widen:: ::Sence gets covered in hearts and Gaz's eyes get shiny and large, Slow motion PIZZAAAAAAA sequence::  
  
Dib: ::watches Gaz INGORGE herself with millions of slices of Pizza:: ::eyes widen:: ::Turns around and vomits:: ::Walks up to the house::  
  
Dib: Say, Gaz, you don't suppose anyone acctually LIVES in that house do you? I mean who would be so stupid as to...  
  
::The House door opens slightly::  
  
Guessss Whooo: I AM ZIM!!!  
  
Dib: I had to ask.  
  
Dib: Zim, what are you doing here, And WHY are you living in a...Pizza...House?  
  
Zim: Nonsense, Silly earth boy. ::A fake italian mustache falls off his face::  
  
Dib: Are you supposed to be disgused as a...Pizza Man? OH THATS GREAT. ::Falls over laughing::  
  
Zim: Whata area youa talkinga abouta  
  
Dib: Oh come on Zim, adding "A" to everything you say doesn't make you italian, Besides, not all pizza people are italian.  
  
Zim: Alota youa knowa sillya eartha boya. Morea Aaz Meana Morea Pizzaa Powera.  
  
Dib: Oh come'on zim. That is REALLY annoying.  
  
Zim: I'lla Stopa Ifa Youa Geta Ina Thisa Birda Cagea. ::Points to a large cage::  
  
Dib: Fine. Fine... ::Hops in:: Ok. Now stop.  
  
Zim: HAH! You walked right into my trap... of DOOM... Ish. STUFF. ::Raises fists::  
  
Dib: ::rattles cage only to find it locked:: ZIM! LET ME OUT OF HERE!  
  
Zim: HAH! fooey! ME, THE ALMIGHTY ZIM let YOU a mere HUMANWASTEBAG go?! Don't make me laugh.  
  
Dib: But...  
  
Zim: TOO LATE! ::cracks up:: ::convulses on the floor in laughter:: ::Spit spews out of his mouth::  
  
Gaz: ::winces:: Shut up. I'm EATING. ::chews::  
  
-Everyone goes silent-  
  
Dib: ::coughs::  
  
Zim: YOU! Human-girl-form-like-child. GET IN THE CAGE LIKE YOUR BROTHER.  
  
Gaz: I'm eating. ::chews, mouth entirely FULL of pizza::  
  
Zim: Ah, i see. ::rocks back and forth on his heels, waiting::  
  
Gaz: ::belches::  
  
Zim: ::raises hand to usher her to the cage::  
  
Gaz: ::sticks up pointer finger to signal to wait::  
  
Zim: YOU DARE POINT AT THE ALMIGHTY ZIM?!  
  
Gaz: ::mouth full of food:: I said wait. ::spits everywhere::  
  
Zim: FINE EARTHCHILD!! ::Clasps on shackles on her legs::  
  
Gaz: HEYYY!  
  
Zim: ::thrusts a white bonnet on her head::  
  
Gaz: ::eye twitches:: Let it be known that from now until the sun stops burning in that sky and pizza stops tasting delicious, Zim will SUFFER.  
  
Zim: ::hands her a broom:: YOU! you will sweep!  
  
Gaz:...Why? Who cleans a pizza house?  
  
Zim: ZIM DOESSSSS! ::points to the inside of a house::  
  
Gaz: Pfft. Make me clean.  
  
Zim: Okay! ::picks up her shackle and tosses her into the door::  
  
Gaz: ::rubs head:: ooof. Ow. The inside is HARD pizza.  
  
GIR: HOWDDDEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHH!!!!!!  
  
Gaz: ::eyes get huge::  
  
GIR: Wanna watch TVVVV? ::hugs pig::  
  
Gaz:....sure.... ::sits on the couch:: ::watches::  
  
GIR: ::looks at Gaz::  
  
Gaz: ::Looks at GIR::  
  
Gir: ::Looks away::  
  
Gir: ::Hugs Gaz:: Awwww. I loves you.  
  
Gaz: ::eye twitches::  
  
----  
  
-Back outside-  
  
Dib: You'll never get away with this, ZIM.  
  
Zim: Get away with what? i have done nothing wrong.  
  
Dib: Oh, i'm SO sorry, Zim but from where i come from, EARTH, its aginist the law to kidnap people!  
  
Zim: Blast that law.  
  
Dib: ::looks triumphant::  
  
Zim: OOOOH well. ::stuffs a marshmellow peep in Dibs mouth::  
  
Dib: ::smothered by the peep:: W..h..a..t ::chew:: do... ::chew chew:: you...::chew chew swallow:: think you are doing?  
  
Zim: Feeding you. and making you FAT.  
  
Dib: Why?  
  
Zim: To COOK YOU.  
  
Dib: Why?  
  
Zim: Because cooked meat lasts longer than uncooked.  
  
Dib: Zim , you do know, frozen meat lasts longer and even if you do cook us we'll just turn to ashes andd....  
  
Zim: ::Puts finger up to mouth:: Shhh Shh Shhhhhh ::shoves a muffin in Dibs mouth::  
  
Dib: ::long periods of chewing:: ::swallows:: Zim, you know if you keep feeeding me like this i'm bound to choke and d...  
  
Zim: Shhh! i have studied humans and the way they eat. you'll be fine. just like these men. ::pulls out a wallet sized picture:: ::points:: See?  
  
Dib: Zim... Those are Sumo wrestlers. Not young Boys. Sumo Wrestlers.  
  
Zim: WHATS THE DIFFERENCE?!  
  
Dib: Were...  
  
Zim: Don't Care! ::shoves a bagel in Dibs mouth::  
  
Dib: ::finishes bagel:: Okay, i like bagels but, Zim, i don't think its healthy to eat like this...  
  
Zim: Nonsense, earth-boy, nonsense. ::shakes the contents of a egg-fu-yung ((Sp?)) box into Dib'z mouth::  
  
Dib: ::muffled talking threw eating::  
  
-A week later-  
  
Zim: Gaz, i'm going to check on Fatty, err. i mean, DIB. Yes, thats what i mean, of COURSE, Dib. Yep.  
  
Zim: ::looks into a cage:: ::throws chicken seed at Dib:: Eat up, fat-one, eat up.  
  
[Note: Sorry but people making fun of other people because of stupid stuff like weight makes me sick so proceed with caution if you get kinda emtional about this sorta stuff...]  
  
Dib: ::looks up with tear filled eyes:: I'm...I'm not fat.  
  
Zim: Yes you are.  
  
Dib: ::a couple tears slide down face:: No...No i'm not.  
  
Zim: Have you looked into a mirror lately, Dib?  
  
Dib: No... ::looks downward covering his head in shame::  
  
Zim: Its a good thing too, because you'd probley die just looking at it. I'm gonna have a hell of a time trying to fit you into the oven.  
  
Dib: ::Sniffles:: ::Breaks of stifled breath::  
  
Zim: Yeah, Welp, See you later, fatty. I'm gonna go cook you dinner. 50 steaks, HAHAHA!  
  
Dib: ::Shakes cage:: I'm not fat... I'm not...  
  
[::Wipes tears:: Sorry, i thought that was sad...]  
  
-Couple Hours Later-  
  
Zim: Hey, Dib. Dib. Dib. DIB. ::pokes with stick::  
  
Dib: Don't look at me.. ::covers face with the trenchcoat that no longer fits him::  
  
Zim: Itsa roastin' time!  
  
Dib: ::wipes a few tears from his face::  
  
Zim: After all whats the point of living when your too fat to move. [I'm sorry but that was just....MEAN. And wrong. VERY VERY WRONG.]  
  
Dib: ::sniffles:: ::nods slowly::  
  
Zim: ::opens Dib'z cage.:: Into the house, Fatty. Into the house. ::pokes him toward it::  
  
Dib: ::staggered breaths:: ::tears fall onto the pavement::  
  
Zim: What are you sad cause you can't eat the frickin' house?  
  
Dib: ::bursts into tears::  
  
Zim: ::points to stove:: Get in. WAIT. Let me see if its hot enough. ::reaches inward a little::  
  
Dib: ::slams the oven door shut on him::  
  
Zim: ::bangs on the oven door from the inside:: DIB!!!! OOOOOGH! MY SKIN IS MELTING!!! AGHHH  
  
Gaz: What are YOU doing here? ::glares::  
  
GIR: Yeaa. POOT. heehee. POOT.  
  
Dib: ::Pulls a slice of pizza off of the wall:: ::House comes crashing down::  
  
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~~ THE DAILY NEWS! With, The friendly freak. ~~  
  
Today in the news a young boy and a young girl, a vaccum cleaner and a small green child were in an incident, apperantly, the green child has burned to death and soon afterwards the house came tumbling down on both the boy, the girl, and the odd looking vaccum. Is this a modern day hanzel and gretle? Is this a display of pure homage? Is my popcorn done? All of these questions we will never know. Stayed tuned to learn about more stuff we have no idea about.  
  
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